James Madison University - Index

James Madison University - Madison Family Connection Summer 2009 - Index

Breaking
Out of the
Holding
Pattern
Avoid the “empty nest
syndrome.” When children
leave for college, changes in
the parent’s role can lead to
a type of identity crisis. Parents
can ease their transition
by refocusing some attention
from their student to
their own personal interests
and desires, many of which
may have been ignored
while fulfilling their parental
responsibilities.
Convey your confidence
in your student’s ability
to be successful … even if
you aren’t sure that they can.
Expressed parental support
and encouragement are much
more important than students
will typically acknowledge.
Students need to know that
their parents believe in their
ability to handle the new
challenges college will bring.
Avoid rushing or pushing
your student into a
major or career. On average,
students change their
major twice before finally
deciding upon an area of
study. Confusion in this
area is normal, especially
during the freshman and
sophomore years. Rushing
the decision to select a major
or pushing a student into
a career in which he or she
has no interest is an almost
certain recipe for
academic disaster.
Letting go Tips for parents of new college students
By Ka r e n Le v i n Co b u r n ad Ma d g e La w r e n c e Tr e e g e r
After 18 years of parenting, it can be hard
to let go. Here is a sneak peek at the challenges
of the transition ahead and advice
for preparing.
The Emotional Roller Coaster:
Recognize that this is a time of ambivalence for all
parents. The excitement and joy about opportunities
awaiting students are mixed with waves of nostalgia
and a sense of loss. Talk with other parents
who are going through the same thing. Recognize
the student’s conflicting emotions. The student, like
the parent, is being pulled between past, present and
future. One day he may exclaim, “Leave me alone;
I’m 18 years old. I’m independent.” The next day,
he may complain, “You’re never around when I need
you.” These ups and downs are typical of this transitional
time.
Take comfort in the knowledge that part of the
parent goes with the student. The foundation parents
provide accompanies students across the miles and
throughout the years.
Don’t tell a student, “These are the best years of
your life.” No one is happy all the time between the
ages of 18 and 22, and when a student is homesick or
overtired from studying all night, it’s not reassuring
to have parents imply that this is as good as it gets.
Enjoy this time of celebration. Try not to focus
so much on the upcoming departure that the joys of
high school graduation and summer fun are missed.
Communication – Keeping in Touch: Talk to the
student about keeping in touch. Would a planned
time to talk or a spontaneous call work better? A cell
phone can be a wonderful way to keep in touch, or
it can be, as one student described, an “electronic
leash.” Encourage students to use phones with discretion
and not just to fill in the spaces. E-mail and
instant messaging are also wonderful ways to keep
in touch. However, don’t count on a reply to every
message.
Be a coach. Parents often hear more about the
problems of college life. Students usually call their
parents for reassurance when things aren’t going well,
and call their friends with the latest exciting news.
When parents get those late-night phone calls, they
can encourage their students to use the appropriate
campus resources — to go to the health or career
center, to talk to an advisor, dean, a counselor or
tutor. Read resource information and be an informed
coach.
Be an anchor. Keep students informed about
changes at home. College students want their parents
to accept all the changes they are making but want
everything at home to stay the same. So it’s important
to communicate about changes at home, whether it’s
moving a younger sibling into their room, or, on a
more serious note, about illness in the family or the
death of a pet. They need this from their parents in
order to feel secure and to maintain a sense of trust.
Acknowledge that college today is different.
Although century-old buildings look untouched by
time, college life today is different from the campus
scene 25 or 30 years ago. For those who went to college,
think twice before beginning a sentence with,
“When I was in college...”
Ask about courses, rather than focusing on grades.
Invite students to share the discovery of new ideas,
academic interests and intellectual passions.
Send care packages. Early in the year, sharing popcorn
or chocolate chip cookies is a wonderful way
for a student to meet floor mates. Photographs are
personal reminders of home. Holiday decorations,
baskets of treats at exam time, and even everyday
necessities like shampoo and quarters for the washing
machine are reminders that say, “I’m thinking
of you.”
When Students Come Back Home: Renegotiate
expectations. Students have been making decisions
on how they will spend their time for many months.
Parents, however, may have strong feelings when students
come in late at night, sleep late in the morning
or arrive late for dinner. Most students respond well if
parents treat them with respect. For example, a parent
might say, “I know you’re used to being out until all
hours of the night at school, but I can’t sleep when I
wake up at 2 a.m. and you’re not here. Let’s talk about
how we’re going to handle this so that we’ll both feel
good about it.” It takes flexibility and communication
to find a common ground.
Understand that the college years are a time for
exploration. Students may come home with a “new
look,” someone else’s clothes, new politics, philosophies
or eating habits. Most of these changes are not
permanent. Take a step back, have a sense of humor
and pick battles.
Don’t over-schedule. Tell students ahead of time
about family plans, especially over the holidays, so
that they can make plans accordingly.
Throughout the College Years: Expect change.
Students will change the way they think and the way
they look. Many will change their majors and career
goals. They need parents to stick with them, have
patience when they are uncertain and support them
as they chart the course of their own lives. College
students care more about what parents think than
they are likely to say. They quote their parents, talk
about them and look to them for encouragement. As
they journey toward adulthood and independence,
sometimes students want advice and sometimes they
just want parents to listen. And as one student put it,
“We just won’t tell you which time is which.” Welcome
to the delights and dilemmas of being a parent
of a college student. M
6 Family Connection