James Madison University - Index

James Madison University - Madison Family Connection Summer 2009 - Index

Roommates, conflict, and resolutions
One of the biggest
fears of coming to
college for the first
time is not getting
along with a roommate.
While the many different
people who live together in college
make the experience entirely
unique, this community living
experience can be one of the most
difficult aspects of college.
The good news is that this challenge
can help students to learn to
understand each other, and may
develop them into more effective
colleagues or supervisors in
the world after college. Through
JMU’s Office of Residence Life,
resources are available to help
students navigate their new living
situation.
Sometimes students go out
of their way to find someone
they already know to be their
roommate to avoid the dreaded
“random” roommate. This allays
the initial fear, but it doesn’t guarantee
a good roommate situation.
Great friends, unfortunately, don’t
always equal great roommates.
Even at age 17 or 18, friends don’t
always communicate their needs
or wants as effectively as they
could.
In an effort to be friendly or
helpful, some students put aside
their needs to accommodate their
room buddy. Putting aside needs
or wants can work in the short
term, but eventually, students can
start to feel frustrated. When such
a conflict emerges, it is almost
always both students who feel this
way — they just haven’t discussed
their needs and they haven’t come
to any agreement.
Does it have to be so tough? No,
it doesn’t. Many students get along
well and they don’t have a serious
conflict the whole academic year.
However, some roommate pairings
experience conflict because of
differences. When this occurs, the
following resources can help your
student get through the conflicts
that may arise.
The first of these is the resident
adviser. The RA is a student who
lives in the section or floor with
your student. The RA will introduce
him/herself to each resident
on the floor and offer an ear and
advice to any students who are
having trouble adjusting to college
life. This adjustment includes
understanding and getting along
with a roommate’s habits, lifestyle
and personality.
Next, the RA gives each roommate
(and suitemate) a Roommate
Agreement Form (or Suitemate
Agreement Form). This form asks
15 specific questions about sharing
personal items, noise levels, sleep
times, study times, message taking
and other common roommate
issues. These are the “biggies” that
cause conflicts. The RA will try to
avoid such conflicts by having the
roommates discuss them the first
week of school. If the students
take the conversation seriously,
they can figure out each other’s
needs and wants before having an
argument or a move out.
So, if all the students complete
these forms, why are there still
conflicts? Perhaps one of the participants
didn’t answer honestly.
Maybe the problem they are facing
isn’t on the sheet or they never
actually answered the questions.
What happens then? The RA will
go to that room with the Roommate
Agreement (or a new one
if they didn’t do it) and help the
residents figure out what is causing
the issue and how they can
resolve it. RAs are trained to do
this very early in the year, and it
can help!
Here’s where you can help.
This is a new situation for your
student (usually). They are going
away from home and are going to
be living with a new person (even
if it is their best friend, this is a
new situation). Talk to your son
or daughter about how they are
going to communicate their room
wants and needs and encourage
them to be serious in completing
the Roommate Agreement Form.
Secondly, if your son or daughter
finds himself or herself in a roommate
conflict, encourage him/her
to see the RA to ask for roommate
conflict mediation. Learning how
to deal with conflict is a valuable
skill that they will use throughout
the rest of their lives.
The residence life staff looks
forward to partnering with you
in helping your student make this
major transition in his or her life.
If you have questions or concerns
about housing and residence life,
please call (540) 568-4663 for
housing questions and/or (540)
568-3501 for information about
mediation, RAs and roommate
conflict. M
Keep the lines of communication
open. When
parents respond too harshly
to a student’s mistake or
failure, the student often
becomes defensive and will
no longer offer important
information. As a result,
minor problems that could
be easily solved with a
little parental guidance may
become major crises.
Talk about finances,
especially credit cards.
Clearly let your student know
what you will and what you
will not contribute to college
expenses. Based on this,
help them develop a monthly
budget to determine how
they will make ends meet. A
student should have no more
than one credit card and pay
off the entire balance at the
end of each month.
Don’t rush in and solve
problems. Students need the
experience of solving problems
on their own because valuable
lessons are learned and confidence
is built in the process.
Remember, you will not always
be there when a problem comes
up. In fact, some of the most
empowering words a parent
can utter to a student are,
“What do you think you should
do about this problem?”
Learn about on-campus
resources available to
your student. Take advantage
of the years of experience
Madison faculty and
staff members have working
with students in all areas of
college life. If your student
tells you that there is no one
to help, don’t believe it. He or
she probably has not looked
hard enough.
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